2010 bites

We just got the call..
my mammaw may have cancer.
I answer the phone to my aunt crying..

Was it the cigarettes,
that no one could pry from your fingers?


Its sad.
but the truth is, I can't even cry.
I don't really know how to be sad
about anything other than Chris anymore.

My heart is hardened to feel that emotion.
melt my heart..


2010 bites.

it was only a dream

Your sitting next to me
smiling ear to ear
I say "I'm glad your alive"
and you reply "me too"
You lean over and kiss me on the cheek
you ask me if I want to be with you
and I instantly reply with a yes

then I wake up..

I just wish it wasn't too late for that miracle.

outcast

I guess more than anything i just feel like an outcast here
we've grown up, we've changed
and the miles that seperate us blinded me from that..

being back isn't really a vacation
home is my vacation from here honestly..

we're not little kids anymore
we don't play with cars
and explore the backyard like we did.

i'm just the one that doesn't fit in
i'm just the one that is different.

so much has changed,
i just wish we were all close like we used to be.

no other

i can't entertain these ideas that dwell in my mind

you change back and forth

you constantly run in circles

no end to this cycle

i do not know what is in my heart

i do not know what is in my mind

pieces trying to be put together
but it is not my job to finish this puzzle

i am only a puppet

used by strings

but i've been getting ideas on my own.

this is not my desire..
my desire is Yours.

who am i to guess?
who am i to assume?
all i can do is wait for You.
all i want to do is wait for You.

Dallas

Dallas, you sound so sweet to me
your voice whispers in my ear

how i miss your ground.

oh how i miss my sisters
oh how i miss my family

I wish i were more like you, my sister
so uplifting, so encouraging
so beautiful.

my sister, you are beautiful from the inside out.

I miss you.

oh dear my fear

My biggest fear was losing you

NOW

its the thought of letting someone else in.

people see the flowers,
they rarely see my thorns.
but you saw all.
you got pricked by me.
but you still loved me.
when i was out of bloom,
when i was just an ugly weed..
you still loved me.

all my flaws, you looked past them.
all my bad days, you embraced me in.

You loved me in a way that a true love would.
to find someone else like that, I don't think i could.

I'm too scared to open up, i fear its eating at me.
my holes are bigger than meets the eye.
A book with a neat cover,
with torn up insides.

the beauty i do not see.
I don't see whatever it is you saw in me..

instead i sit in silence,
scared to break out in violence.
Scared to express this beating in my chest.
they only see me at my best.

My legs folded, with my arms crossed.
I sit so neatly, but I feel so lost.

I can't express to you this side of me,
because my mind is saying, only he could have loved all of me..

it is your bithday.

Last year i was hanging up balloons
hiding at the bottom of your stairs
waiting to yell surprise.

This year i'll be spending my evening by the grave.

this isn't what i had in mind.

theres nothing to celebrate today.

I still can't believe your gone.
It hasn't hit me in weeks.

I miss the tears.
I miss depression.

I miss you.

I lost my love, I lost my best friend,

I lost my plan for the future.

It felt like i lost everything.

Its been 5 months..
I hate 2010.

Your pictures are still in my room

but they don't keep me company.

Today

I just want to pack my bags
and leave town.

it sounds so appealing;
to leave this town behind.

but you can't leave emotions
they follow you over every state border.

"one foot in and one foot back

but it don't pay to live like that"

-avett bros

SPEAK

a confused young girl sits upon your steps
no clue of where to go

no voice she hears can tell

she does not seek, she does not find.



how can it be he was here the whole time?
yes, he was standing in the shadows.

make yourself known.
shout out.

scream to me.

like a child stepping in ants
I WANT TO HEAR YOU SCREAM!

legs are dragging.

being pulled behind.


SHINE SOME LIGHT!


where is this that you have brought me?
or that i have brought myself?

I'm tired of living in the ally.
I want to be somewhere else.

I desire your voice, so feed me.
let me drink of you.

I wander about in mystery.
I just need you to tell me..

more than this

I'm tired of hibernating.

bring me to the sun.
to feel its warmth upon my skin.

the delight i see.
the taste on my lips.
the smell.

stretch me out.
wear me thin.
smash your words within.

twist.
tear.
break.

WHATEVER IT TAKES.

I WANT TO FEEL YOU.

hit me like a train.
punch me in the face.

I'm standing up
i'm not sitting down.

I'm moving.
not waiting.

do not spit me out.
but draw me closer.

Dear Franklin,

I'm finally finding myself.
i felt lost after you left.
like a hole was inside me.
but now its scarring up.

i'm glad for that.

i feel like a breath of fresh air has finally come my way.

I hope it doesn't just pass away.

I miss you a lot.
I was thinking about you this morning.

I'm sure your not missing it here.


Shout!

Holy, Holy, Holy,

is the Lord Almighty

who was and is and is to come!

my pride no longer

resolving.
moving on.
i'm so excited to.

unspoken words
left gaps in our minds.
thinking this, assuming that.

blown up.
i'm glad its dying down.

for i have missed you dearly.

its good to know we'll be ok.

it would be a shame to lose you too.

for you have been my closest.
nothing should interrupt that.

petty. we acted immature.

the light is coming.
the hole no longer resides

PRAISE THE LORD!

what?

Could it be that my eyes are seeing differently?
i see something i didn't before.

but i'm all over the place.
scattered like ants after you step on their home.
ha.

but maybe.

lets just leave

forget your troubles,
and i'll forget mine.
lets just go for a ride.
my hand out the window,
my hair in my face.
the sun before us.
the moon behind us.

we'll board a train to who knows where.
no we're not runnin' away from our problems.
we'll come back.
but for tonight, lets just leave.

no umbrella

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God,- John 1

Your faithful.

reign.

rain all over me.

I want to be drenched of you.

Holy, Holy, Holy

Is the Lord Almighty

who was, and is, and is to come!

I want this desire i have,

to spread like wild fire within me.

my shack

i'd rather have a shack on Your land
than a castle on mine

for on Your land my shack
turns into a kingdom, Your kingdom!

So I have been reading in Romans..
heres some rad verses.

"You do not support the root, but the root supports you"
-12:18


This one makes me want to get on a plane..
"How can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
-10:14-15

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor dept, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
-8:38-39

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge but leave room for Gods wrath.."
-12:17-19

"Let no debt remain outstanding, except for the continuing debt to love one another"
-13:8


Anyways.. I love Romans ha.

waking up to reality

You say be thankful but its hard to be
I'm not satisfied of only dreaming of him
I'm not satisfied of seeing him when i sleep but not when i'm awake..
He is alive when i'm asleep but dead when my eyes open.
You say its a blessing,

but it feels like a trick..

Now you see it, now you don't.

I look up at you, then i wake up
and your no where to be found.

I get frustrated when i dream of you
but

i would rather stay asleep.

sharpen me, i sharpen you, He sharpens us

"As iron sharpens iron

so one man sharpens another"

-Proverbs 27:17

this is rare in the world now.
mouths pollute others.
actions wrong others.

i see this less and less in the world.
and i'm seeing it less and less in our friendship.

we are to encourage.
we are to stick together.
to fight for unity.

i feel as if our group has disintegrated.

what is this?

something that bound us,
no longer does.
death brought us together.
now our lives and our circumstances pull us apart.

what is this?

lets fix this, lets sharpen one another.

what say you?

only You

You look at me through your magnifine glass;
I'm glad its only You who can.
there is glass stuck inside me.
bullets.
i am wounded.

I am not ready for what i want.

though my desire does not flee.
i am not ready

because of me.

splinters have become branches
growing inside.
seeds became weeds.

but now i'm coming clean.
not by my doing but by me asking You.

asking for grace.
purify me.

i hate that your gone.

I'm getting used to you not being around.
i hate that.
I don't look for you after church anymore.
i hate that.

I would almost rather just be depressed.

the small things

I miss the things other people didn't see..

I miss the way your hair always was swept.
I miss taking a nap thanksgiving.
I miss not sleeping all Christmas Eve.
I miss laying around watching tv and playing Mario.
I miss talking to you everyday..
I miss your laugh that would go on forever.
I miss our embarrassing moments.
I miss going through the drive-thru with you.
I miss being pursued by you.
I miss the way we connected.
I miss North Carolina.
I miss slamming the doors shut in your car to get the speakers to work.
I miss your texts and voice-mails.
I miss my brothers always wrestling with us.
I miss family day.

Nothing is the same anymore.

He is the vine, the Father is the gardener

"No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.
Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
I am the vine, and you are the branches.
If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;
apart from me you can do nothing.
If anyone does not remain in me,
he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers;
such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned."
-John 15


dang.

this chapter always blows me away..

I am nothing without you but a withering branch..
but only with You i can bear fruit.

REMAIN IN THE VINE!

Chivalry Don't Die

So today we were talking about chivalry in class
we also were yesterday.

What people think of it boggles my mind.
Yet some, I agree with.

People were saying its pointless.
Guys were saying girls should always pay and sometimes for the guy too.
A girl said "she likes to date a**holes."

I think guys should be considerate of girls.
That doesn't mean paying for them every single time.
Chris didn't always pay for me, though he did most of the time.

Guys were saying they aren't chivalrous anymore because girls aren't appreciative.
I agree with that, most people aren't.

I think girls have lowered there standards.
Ladies, raise em' up
or you'll end up marrying an "a**hole"

And gents, be chivalrous.

we miss you

honesty is true..

no words can explain the depth

i feel more alone than ever.


with present situations
with the situation of June 8th.

I feel abandoned.

my honesty, phases you.
my honesty, startles you.
my honesty worries you.

but honesty is true.


"I consider that our present sufferings
are not worth comparing with the glory of God
that will be revealed in us"
- Romans 8:18

let this word be engraved on my heart..

i face, i flee

I go back and forth with myself
like a kid on a swing.

its never a situation.
it just traces back to June 8th.

when i cry, it ends up being about him.

because i wouldn't be here, if he were still here.


I face myself head on.


i chase my thoughts around
like a dog chasing his tail.


i face the fact this is real.

but i flee from it.


its easier just to run away.
but I know You have more for me than this.
than that.


i feel stranded, like an island.
with nothing but the man in the clouds.

but that is enough.

i can survive without water
without food
without people

BUT I CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU!

i thought they weren't welcome.

they got swept under the front porch rug.

but you failed to wipe the dirt off your feet.

rocky road

could it be my life is like my favorite roads?

could it be its not smooth like the common?

could it be my life is like the rocky road?

could it be my life is the dirt?

could it be that your road is through a city

with beautiful buildings, people, grafitti?

could it be that mine is simple

that mine is dirt in the middle of nowhere?

could it be that this is where you have me?

surrounded by beauty, but alone?

could it be that my dirt can be beauty?

it is true

they cloud my mind
with the little voice in my head

comparing

itching at my brain

they always get the best of me

its a curse

be my wind
be my ocean
be my sky
be my heartbeat
be my ground
be my feet
be my compass
be my love

I DON'T want other desires
just desire for You

but its a curse thats on us
one that makes me desire.

i want to strip of these feelings
and only have them for You.

romance me oh lover of my soul..

nothing

in the same boat
in the same ship

of course
we are alike
our minds close

the waves not the same
the sky not the same
the steadiness not the same
the anchor not the same

yet we look at common land

nothing will get in the way of my crew

no land

there are no sides to take
for we sit together.

april fools

haha.
I just remembered what our next april fools joke was going to be.
we were going to say that you asked me to marry you.
and put in on facebook a week before that we were engaged.

hahahahahahahaha.

I miss us joking around all the time.

A broken world in a decorated frame

You got that right.

your words

I guess I make myself upset sometimes.
But not in the way of Winter Passing.

I'm reading your journals tonight..
Reading the words your hands wrote.
They are worth more than gold.

This is the only way i know your thoughts.
And they are old thoughts.

You can't write me anymore.
You can't talk to me anymore.
You can't hold me anymore.
You can't comfort me anymore.

I had you for a season in my life.
Though I planned for much more.

I don't slam my hand in doors.
I find pain in other ways.
Thinking of you not in my future.
This isn't what I wanted.

No one ever asks for death on another.

I've never had to deal with something so permanent.
We didn't just break up
or you went on a trip.
This is FOREVER.



God, I don't know exactly what I need.
I need something.
I need You.

Dear Franklin,

I wonder what you see..
your eyes are clear now.
they were horrible before.
your body is new,
the other one was all beat up.
It lacks here.
Your smile is probably wider.
You probably never stop singing.

I hate wondering.

I break down sometimes.
Its always in inconvenient times.

The leaves are about to change..
along with everything else that has.

no speck

could it be that desiring is enough?
we should be desiring more desire.
we should hunger for more hunger.
we should thirst for more thirst.

I don't want a speck of love
I don't want a speck of faith

fill me up so I can overflow.

light me up on fire.
I don't want a flicker.
I want a flame.

I crave more.

Where are you, my efforts?
Why have you been lacking?

break me out

my heart has missed simplicity

my thoughts have missed it

simplicity has been yanked away

but this is where You have me

no accident, but purpose

i am breathing for a reason

though my feet are stapled down

and my hands nailed to my side

when i move i bleed

it tears at me

but i am alive for a reason

simplicity has left my life

but there is desperation in my body

seeking a light

seeking the light

though i have been ripped inside out

and my sky has become my ground

i am here for a reason

what could it be that Your teaching me?

let my eyes not be blind to the things You see

for i would run aimlessly

traveling with no direction

with a compass in my pocket

Your paths are my desire

Your heart is my desire

I am bound with rope

like a mummy

I am bound in a cocoon

Lord let me break out and be something beautiful

for right now i have holes in me

i am ashes

waiting to be beautiful

i am ashes

Turn my ashes into beauty
for i'm not beautiful at all
i'm at my weakest
Lord but in my weakness, make me strong
i do not need what others know as strength
i need strength in You
my eyes are blurred
my hands are shakey
i'm not who i was
renew me
help me crave you
help me hunger for you
i want to drink of you
i desire you

raw

Who is next to walk the plank?
I wonder if its me.
I couldn't bare losing someone else..

all the glory

God thanks for not getting frustrated with me.
I don't deserve the mercy you've shown me.

not enough, too much

Tomorrow I will have to ask myself
the same question I asked 3 months ago..
"Am I wearing enough black?"
but really theres too much black.

a cloud in my perfect view
a splinter in my foot
a break in my bone
a cast on my foot
a tear in my heart
my eyes being blind
my ears being deaf
my heart being broken

You try to attack me
You try to hinder me
but I will strive.
I will fight.
Though I have more burdens than eyes see,
I will endure.

You are nothing compared to my King.

headaches

i get a headache when I think of that day.. my legs shook but i knew you would be ok.. God wouldn't let you die, he wouldn't let you leave. I sat in the waiting room, I was the first to arrive, even before you.. I sat. I panicked. I waited. Then your family arrived.. They told your mom she couldn't see you, which means I couldn't..
I hated that.
We sat, waiting for something. Waiting for news. I waited to be by your side.. To hold your hand. People began to come, filling up our personal waiting room.. They talked as if you were fine.
I hated that.
You weren't fine. Though I thought you were going to be. People flooded the room, so we had to get a bigger one. Pastors came, some of your friends.. All praying on your behalf. News came, I cried every time I saw the nurse coming down the hall.. But you were going to be ok. 4 people turned to 40.. This is serious. This is bad.
Death was unquestionable. It didn't cross my mind not even when your mother asked "Is my son ok" and the nurse replied "He has lost a lot of blood" People stared at me constantly.. not knowing how to react to me or what to say.. I still get that stare sometimes. Prayers echoed from outside to inside. Healing.
I couldn't wait to hold you again, to never let you go. As I waited I planned out what to say to you, what to do.. Your family and I got called into the back. Just us. I heard the lady say "He's fine" NOT TRUE. I zoned out.. then I heard "He'll be right in" little did I know that time she was talking about the surgeon.
We sat in half a circle. Hopeful still. We waited for minutes, though it felt like hours. I heard the door handle move as I grabbed your sisters hand.. The surgeons came in "his heart stopped" that's all I understood. I still had hope, this happens on tv all the time, right? All they do is shock you back. Its common. Your father asked "is my son dead" "yes".. Your mom and your sisters ran out screaming, but the farthest I got was the floor.. Screaming. Begging.
I had no feeling in my body, the surroundings didn't matter. The voices. The faces. The floor. People came in. Staring with there tear filled eyes. I was in a movie. They didn't touch me except for Heather. They just looked. I can't blame em'.
My mother came when she heard the news, she didn't help. No one did. She watched as the others. Nathan held me close, he was always trying to be the strong one, though i knew his insides were being ripped out.
We walked down the hall to see you.
You were cold. You weren't you. I sat yelling.

This was your end, this was your beginning.

I look to you

I've lost track of who I am..
but not who You are..
For You are who I look to.

Dear Day,

The pain I see in your eyes, is the same I see in mine.
My sister, its been forced in yours twice.
Before the other ceased, another pain began.
Your heart is hurt by loss.
But mine is because your burdens are my own.
I will stay by your side like your shadow.
Mr friend, I'll be your shoulder.
There are no words, this I know.
Nothing to make it better.
Your face is tear stained, like they were before.
But I will be by your side sister..

I love you

Dear Franklin,

Its like I'm crippled.
Every day i'm tapped on the shoulder, reminded.
It folllows me like my shadow,
though its inside me.
A bird in a cage, i feel trapped.
The wind isn't the same.
The ground isn't the same.
Its all been turned upside down.
Its an echo in my mind.
The pain is waves in an ocean.
Neverending.
never dulling.

Its an understatement to say I miss you.
Its an understatement to say I love you.

I get frustrated with people.
I want to scream sometimes.
He loved me.
I loved him.
It was us.

sick & tired

I'm tired of seeing pain.
I'm tired of feeling pain.
I'm tired of having no understanding.

while you go against it

you wear his name like you wear shoes.
you take him off, then back on.
you rip out pages of the Bible,
to fit it to your liking.
what is this that you are a christian?
are you really one?
are you really saved?
your life would be different.
but you are still in the sea of people.
you walk the halls with smiles,
with all your true love waits rings
but you keep them on while you go against it.
cross tattoos and neckalaces
they mean nothing.
where is your relationship with the Father?
your ink doesn't help, nor does a chain around your neck.
its hard to bare.

we are called to be righteous,
to lead others to light.
could it be that you all are leading them astray?
that your good goals turn into nothing but mere destruction?

unlock your door, run free

you shut and lock your door

but i know, though my eyes do not see

you hide nothing from me

I see straight through

your lying lips are no disguise

although you are good with hiding the guilt you must feel

no line you say, no thing you do

makes me believe its true

you say i'm most important

I'm not but God should be

but you let him move there

not me, not God.

your hands are dirty

i miss the days when they were clean

you left your innocence

when he walked in the door

you blamed me for your losses

for I am not your gain any longer

the blood isn't on my hands

though I carry your burdens

your sin spreads throughout this home

but this house isn't my home

its the place that hurts me

thats why I'm elsewhere

boxes stacked up high

new clothes in the closet

boots by the door

and a new set of stairs

Where were you when I needed you?

you left for vacation with him..

the hardest days of my life, you weren't there

those days continue and its like your still gone

what is this, where is the love?

sin creeps in and a relationship burns

your eyes are deep underwater

seeing nothing clearly

you took your eyes from Him

and traded it for his

months lasting

will your eyes look to Him again?

my life is lacking you, when your in the same room

"But I believe there is something here

to be learned of grace

because I can't help but love you

even with a heart that breaks"

-As Cities Burn

without thought..

"Where men bury their sons and without thought just walk away"

abandoned.
you walked out, when they were desperate.
your words hit them like hail.
real tears fell from your face just weeks before.
your son, her son, my love buried.
you left.
in the time of need you took supply.
you barely let him take your name.
you barely showed him love til close to the end.
your footsteps stomped the stairs,
you left prints all over them.
fathers, husbands were meant for more.
meant to love always.
not to abandon.
you lost one so you give up the rest.
he still loved you after every time you left.
he still loves you now.
when you walked away, you left more than just him,
more than just them..

your the cause

Its not the outside screaming at me
selfishness, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE
stop contributing
this isn't the part i want
stop changing my mind and ripping at my heart
it can't take it, i can't take it
YOUR NOT WELCOME HERE
you put the questions in my mind
you put the questions in my heart
you make me question my father
you were once all i knew
but now your ripping me apart
your the cause
i can't run away from you
my feet can't seperate myself from you
YOUR NOT WELCOME HERE
you sneak in my thoughts
i am constantly wrestling with you
your always here
when my eyes are closed
when i'm all alone

my feet can't seperate from you
you live inside
my flesh, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE

I would rather be ripped in half than live with you.

country road

sitting waiting for the sunrise.
surrounded by close friends.
no idea of the road we were on.
laying in the middle of the road.
horses beind us.
nothing but grass in front.
peace.
stillness.
the world seemed to be at a pause.
my heart found rest for a few hours.
staring up at the sky.
glory, Your glorious.

talking, praying.
friendship.
this is what it should look like.
I am blessed.

I just want to scream

my mind is boggled.
I hate this.
I hate him being gone.

EVERYONE STOP!

I feel frustrated.
I feel angry.

Lord purify me, I feel dirty.


I'm not over it.

2 months and 2 days

When it first happened and weeks after you still felt close..

But now I'm starting to feel your distance.

Not a day I've gone without talking to you for years.

Now its been 2 months without any communication..

Sunday I met the nurse that was with you in surgery..

I didn't recognize her until I was told it was her.

Faces didn't matter that day, nothing mattered but you.

When I looked at her again,

the memory of that day hit me

like 20 football players tackling me.

I cried as if it were brand new..

I was jealous of this woman, whose name I do not know.

I am jealous.

She was beside you when I couldn't be.

I'm selfish.

I would bring you back kicking and screaming if I could.

everyday

Punching thru walls always seems to be the right answer..

I'm not me anymore..
You were a part of me.

It all happened so fast.
A part of me was gone so fast.
You were gone so fast..

This hole inside me doesn't seem to be shrinking..

Is there rest?

Is there rest for the weary, is there rest for me?
I see no light at the end of the tunnel
I see no break of dawn..

I remember you touching my face..
I remember those 3 words you told me that I didn't doubt
I remember you holding me when everything fell apart
I remember your laugh, the one that lasted minutes
I remember your words, kind to the Lord
I remember when you looked at me with your contacts, the words you said..
I remember the nights in my driveway under the pale blue moon
I remember chasing you after church
I remember what it felt like to be yours..

Everything is different now.
Your not here and I'm not there.
I remember that day..
The worst day of my life..

THIS ISN'T OK, I don't feel ok.
I don't want to feel ok.

It just doesn't feel right..

"Tell me I'm only dreaming, Tell me he's just sleeping"- As Cities Burn

Undeserving am I

I do not deserve Your mercy
I guess thats why they call it grace
I would be decieved if I thought I did deserve it..
But You lavish it upon me anyway
I thank You for that.
My selfish heart longs for him to be back again
and Your understanding..
I have done nothing to deserve this love You have for me..
I have brought barely anything forth these 2 months..
Forgive me of that Lord.
My heart is broken, but You give me some peace.
Your the only peace.
Your permanent.
Your hope.
Your love.
Your future.
You live.
Your everything.

This burden I carry, this loss
how do I give it to you?
Oh God give me unnderstanding..
Give me something.
Grant me the things I don't deserve.
I long for your ways.

"For the Lord gives wisdom and out of His mouth come knowledge and understanding"- Proverbs 2:6

"Will I ever know silence

without mental violence

will the ringing at night go away?"

-The Avett Bros

no ducks in a row

It was 8 weeks yesterday..

A hole torn inside me I can't deny
I smile at memories but sometimes I cry
A pot mixed with all emotions
inside is just a big commotion
nothing is simple in these days
I'm just walking through a haze

I remember you being the one to comfort me
when things went wrong.

its answering whats asked of you

The rain made me smile today,

there was something comforting about it.

The days ahead scare me

because your no longer apart of them..

This year was supposed to be grand..

My future was you, so I thought..

The pain feels like a freight train,

The tears like waterfalls,

the nights neverending,

the days seem dark.

It doesn't take a week, nor a month or two.

Who knows how long til I accept it..

I miss you.

"Temporary is my time, ain't nothing on this world thats mine,

except the will I found to carry on

Free is not your right to choose

Its answering whats asked of you

to give the love you find until its gone" -The Avett Brothers

i hate tuesdays..

The days have been different..
I feel like they are numbered, because yours were.
Sometimes I try to think of what I would have said to you in my goodbye.
But I never got that chance, maybe He spared me that.
I'm clueless in many ways.
I don't understand why your gone,
but I guess all I need to know is that it was the Lords timing.
I'm reminded of you countless times a day.
and I constantly find myself talking about you in present tense.
I hate past tense.
But this is all true, and I'm not dreaming.
I know the Lord will heal me of this pain eventually.
But I don't think we'll ever truly get over it, how can you?
I never knew my God this way, in the taking way.
I haven't lost like this, I didn't want to.
But my God knows what time is right.

I visited your grave sunday..
There lies your body, not your soul
I couldn't help but break down,
but Heather held me close..
It still doesn't seem real..

I'm jealous of the people who dream of you.
I've only had one and that was too long ago.