headaches

i get a headache when I think of that day.. my legs shook but i knew you would be ok.. God wouldn't let you die, he wouldn't let you leave. I sat in the waiting room, I was the first to arrive, even before you.. I sat. I panicked. I waited. Then your family arrived.. They told your mom she couldn't see you, which means I couldn't..
I hated that.
We sat, waiting for something. Waiting for news. I waited to be by your side.. To hold your hand. People began to come, filling up our personal waiting room.. They talked as if you were fine.
I hated that.
You weren't fine. Though I thought you were going to be. People flooded the room, so we had to get a bigger one. Pastors came, some of your friends.. All praying on your behalf. News came, I cried every time I saw the nurse coming down the hall.. But you were going to be ok. 4 people turned to 40.. This is serious. This is bad.
Death was unquestionable. It didn't cross my mind not even when your mother asked "Is my son ok" and the nurse replied "He has lost a lot of blood" People stared at me constantly.. not knowing how to react to me or what to say.. I still get that stare sometimes. Prayers echoed from outside to inside. Healing.
I couldn't wait to hold you again, to never let you go. As I waited I planned out what to say to you, what to do.. Your family and I got called into the back. Just us. I heard the lady say "He's fine" NOT TRUE. I zoned out.. then I heard "He'll be right in" little did I know that time she was talking about the surgeon.
We sat in half a circle. Hopeful still. We waited for minutes, though it felt like hours. I heard the door handle move as I grabbed your sisters hand.. The surgeons came in "his heart stopped" that's all I understood. I still had hope, this happens on tv all the time, right? All they do is shock you back. Its common. Your father asked "is my son dead" "yes".. Your mom and your sisters ran out screaming, but the farthest I got was the floor.. Screaming. Begging.
I had no feeling in my body, the surroundings didn't matter. The voices. The faces. The floor. People came in. Staring with there tear filled eyes. I was in a movie. They didn't touch me except for Heather. They just looked. I can't blame em'.
My mother came when she heard the news, she didn't help. No one did. She watched as the others. Nathan held me close, he was always trying to be the strong one, though i knew his insides were being ripped out.
We walked down the hall to see you.
You were cold. You weren't you. I sat yelling.

This was your end, this was your beginning.