I just want to scream

my mind is boggled.
I hate this.
I hate him being gone.

EVERYONE STOP!

I feel frustrated.
I feel angry.

Lord purify me, I feel dirty.


I'm not over it.

2 months and 2 days

When it first happened and weeks after you still felt close..

But now I'm starting to feel your distance.

Not a day I've gone without talking to you for years.

Now its been 2 months without any communication..

Sunday I met the nurse that was with you in surgery..

I didn't recognize her until I was told it was her.

Faces didn't matter that day, nothing mattered but you.

When I looked at her again,

the memory of that day hit me

like 20 football players tackling me.

I cried as if it were brand new..

I was jealous of this woman, whose name I do not know.

I am jealous.

She was beside you when I couldn't be.

I'm selfish.

I would bring you back kicking and screaming if I could.

everyday

Punching thru walls always seems to be the right answer..

I'm not me anymore..
You were a part of me.

It all happened so fast.
A part of me was gone so fast.
You were gone so fast..

This hole inside me doesn't seem to be shrinking..

Is there rest?

Is there rest for the weary, is there rest for me?
I see no light at the end of the tunnel
I see no break of dawn..

I remember you touching my face..
I remember those 3 words you told me that I didn't doubt
I remember you holding me when everything fell apart
I remember your laugh, the one that lasted minutes
I remember your words, kind to the Lord
I remember when you looked at me with your contacts, the words you said..
I remember the nights in my driveway under the pale blue moon
I remember chasing you after church
I remember what it felt like to be yours..

Everything is different now.
Your not here and I'm not there.
I remember that day..
The worst day of my life..

THIS ISN'T OK, I don't feel ok.
I don't want to feel ok.

It just doesn't feel right..

"Tell me I'm only dreaming, Tell me he's just sleeping"- As Cities Burn

Undeserving am I

I do not deserve Your mercy
I guess thats why they call it grace
I would be decieved if I thought I did deserve it..
But You lavish it upon me anyway
I thank You for that.
My selfish heart longs for him to be back again
and Your understanding..
I have done nothing to deserve this love You have for me..
I have brought barely anything forth these 2 months..
Forgive me of that Lord.
My heart is broken, but You give me some peace.
Your the only peace.
Your permanent.
Your hope.
Your love.
Your future.
You live.
Your everything.

This burden I carry, this loss
how do I give it to you?
Oh God give me unnderstanding..
Give me something.
Grant me the things I don't deserve.
I long for your ways.

"For the Lord gives wisdom and out of His mouth come knowledge and understanding"- Proverbs 2:6

"Will I ever know silence

without mental violence

will the ringing at night go away?"

-The Avett Bros

no ducks in a row

It was 8 weeks yesterday..

A hole torn inside me I can't deny
I smile at memories but sometimes I cry
A pot mixed with all emotions
inside is just a big commotion
nothing is simple in these days
I'm just walking through a haze

I remember you being the one to comfort me
when things went wrong.