april fools

haha.
I just remembered what our next april fools joke was going to be.
we were going to say that you asked me to marry you.
and put in on facebook a week before that we were engaged.

hahahahahahahaha.

I miss us joking around all the time.

A broken world in a decorated frame

You got that right.

your words

I guess I make myself upset sometimes.
But not in the way of Winter Passing.

I'm reading your journals tonight..
Reading the words your hands wrote.
They are worth more than gold.

This is the only way i know your thoughts.
And they are old thoughts.

You can't write me anymore.
You can't talk to me anymore.
You can't hold me anymore.
You can't comfort me anymore.

I had you for a season in my life.
Though I planned for much more.

I don't slam my hand in doors.
I find pain in other ways.
Thinking of you not in my future.
This isn't what I wanted.

No one ever asks for death on another.

I've never had to deal with something so permanent.
We didn't just break up
or you went on a trip.
This is FOREVER.



God, I don't know exactly what I need.
I need something.
I need You.

Dear Franklin,

I wonder what you see..
your eyes are clear now.
they were horrible before.
your body is new,
the other one was all beat up.
It lacks here.
Your smile is probably wider.
You probably never stop singing.

I hate wondering.

I break down sometimes.
Its always in inconvenient times.

The leaves are about to change..
along with everything else that has.

no speck

could it be that desiring is enough?
we should be desiring more desire.
we should hunger for more hunger.
we should thirst for more thirst.

I don't want a speck of love
I don't want a speck of faith

fill me up so I can overflow.

light me up on fire.
I don't want a flicker.
I want a flame.

I crave more.

Where are you, my efforts?
Why have you been lacking?

break me out

my heart has missed simplicity

my thoughts have missed it

simplicity has been yanked away

but this is where You have me

no accident, but purpose

i am breathing for a reason

though my feet are stapled down

and my hands nailed to my side

when i move i bleed

it tears at me

but i am alive for a reason

simplicity has left my life

but there is desperation in my body

seeking a light

seeking the light

though i have been ripped inside out

and my sky has become my ground

i am here for a reason

what could it be that Your teaching me?

let my eyes not be blind to the things You see

for i would run aimlessly

traveling with no direction

with a compass in my pocket

Your paths are my desire

Your heart is my desire

I am bound with rope

like a mummy

I am bound in a cocoon

Lord let me break out and be something beautiful

for right now i have holes in me

i am ashes

waiting to be beautiful

i am ashes

Turn my ashes into beauty
for i'm not beautiful at all
i'm at my weakest
Lord but in my weakness, make me strong
i do not need what others know as strength
i need strength in You
my eyes are blurred
my hands are shakey
i'm not who i was
renew me
help me crave you
help me hunger for you
i want to drink of you
i desire you

raw

Who is next to walk the plank?
I wonder if its me.
I couldn't bare losing someone else..

all the glory

God thanks for not getting frustrated with me.
I don't deserve the mercy you've shown me.

not enough, too much

Tomorrow I will have to ask myself
the same question I asked 3 months ago..
"Am I wearing enough black?"
but really theres too much black.

a cloud in my perfect view
a splinter in my foot
a break in my bone
a cast on my foot
a tear in my heart
my eyes being blind
my ears being deaf
my heart being broken

You try to attack me
You try to hinder me
but I will strive.
I will fight.
Though I have more burdens than eyes see,
I will endure.

You are nothing compared to my King.

headaches

i get a headache when I think of that day.. my legs shook but i knew you would be ok.. God wouldn't let you die, he wouldn't let you leave. I sat in the waiting room, I was the first to arrive, even before you.. I sat. I panicked. I waited. Then your family arrived.. They told your mom she couldn't see you, which means I couldn't..
I hated that.
We sat, waiting for something. Waiting for news. I waited to be by your side.. To hold your hand. People began to come, filling up our personal waiting room.. They talked as if you were fine.
I hated that.
You weren't fine. Though I thought you were going to be. People flooded the room, so we had to get a bigger one. Pastors came, some of your friends.. All praying on your behalf. News came, I cried every time I saw the nurse coming down the hall.. But you were going to be ok. 4 people turned to 40.. This is serious. This is bad.
Death was unquestionable. It didn't cross my mind not even when your mother asked "Is my son ok" and the nurse replied "He has lost a lot of blood" People stared at me constantly.. not knowing how to react to me or what to say.. I still get that stare sometimes. Prayers echoed from outside to inside. Healing.
I couldn't wait to hold you again, to never let you go. As I waited I planned out what to say to you, what to do.. Your family and I got called into the back. Just us. I heard the lady say "He's fine" NOT TRUE. I zoned out.. then I heard "He'll be right in" little did I know that time she was talking about the surgeon.
We sat in half a circle. Hopeful still. We waited for minutes, though it felt like hours. I heard the door handle move as I grabbed your sisters hand.. The surgeons came in "his heart stopped" that's all I understood. I still had hope, this happens on tv all the time, right? All they do is shock you back. Its common. Your father asked "is my son dead" "yes".. Your mom and your sisters ran out screaming, but the farthest I got was the floor.. Screaming. Begging.
I had no feeling in my body, the surroundings didn't matter. The voices. The faces. The floor. People came in. Staring with there tear filled eyes. I was in a movie. They didn't touch me except for Heather. They just looked. I can't blame em'.
My mother came when she heard the news, she didn't help. No one did. She watched as the others. Nathan held me close, he was always trying to be the strong one, though i knew his insides were being ripped out.
We walked down the hall to see you.
You were cold. You weren't you. I sat yelling.

This was your end, this was your beginning.

I look to you

I've lost track of who I am..
but not who You are..
For You are who I look to.

Dear Day,

The pain I see in your eyes, is the same I see in mine.
My sister, its been forced in yours twice.
Before the other ceased, another pain began.
Your heart is hurt by loss.
But mine is because your burdens are my own.
I will stay by your side like your shadow.
Mr friend, I'll be your shoulder.
There are no words, this I know.
Nothing to make it better.
Your face is tear stained, like they were before.
But I will be by your side sister..

I love you

Dear Franklin,

Its like I'm crippled.
Every day i'm tapped on the shoulder, reminded.
It folllows me like my shadow,
though its inside me.
A bird in a cage, i feel trapped.
The wind isn't the same.
The ground isn't the same.
Its all been turned upside down.
Its an echo in my mind.
The pain is waves in an ocean.
Neverending.
never dulling.

Its an understatement to say I miss you.
Its an understatement to say I love you.

I get frustrated with people.
I want to scream sometimes.
He loved me.
I loved him.
It was us.

sick & tired

I'm tired of seeing pain.
I'm tired of feeling pain.
I'm tired of having no understanding.

while you go against it

you wear his name like you wear shoes.
you take him off, then back on.
you rip out pages of the Bible,
to fit it to your liking.
what is this that you are a christian?
are you really one?
are you really saved?
your life would be different.
but you are still in the sea of people.
you walk the halls with smiles,
with all your true love waits rings
but you keep them on while you go against it.
cross tattoos and neckalaces
they mean nothing.
where is your relationship with the Father?
your ink doesn't help, nor does a chain around your neck.
its hard to bare.

we are called to be righteous,
to lead others to light.
could it be that you all are leading them astray?
that your good goals turn into nothing but mere destruction?

unlock your door, run free

you shut and lock your door

but i know, though my eyes do not see

you hide nothing from me

I see straight through

your lying lips are no disguise

although you are good with hiding the guilt you must feel

no line you say, no thing you do

makes me believe its true

you say i'm most important

I'm not but God should be

but you let him move there

not me, not God.

your hands are dirty

i miss the days when they were clean

you left your innocence

when he walked in the door

you blamed me for your losses

for I am not your gain any longer

the blood isn't on my hands

though I carry your burdens

your sin spreads throughout this home

but this house isn't my home

its the place that hurts me

thats why I'm elsewhere

boxes stacked up high

new clothes in the closet

boots by the door

and a new set of stairs

Where were you when I needed you?

you left for vacation with him..

the hardest days of my life, you weren't there

those days continue and its like your still gone

what is this, where is the love?

sin creeps in and a relationship burns

your eyes are deep underwater

seeing nothing clearly

you took your eyes from Him

and traded it for his

months lasting

will your eyes look to Him again?

my life is lacking you, when your in the same room

"But I believe there is something here

to be learned of grace

because I can't help but love you

even with a heart that breaks"

-As Cities Burn

without thought..

"Where men bury their sons and without thought just walk away"

abandoned.
you walked out, when they were desperate.
your words hit them like hail.
real tears fell from your face just weeks before.
your son, her son, my love buried.
you left.
in the time of need you took supply.
you barely let him take your name.
you barely showed him love til close to the end.
your footsteps stomped the stairs,
you left prints all over them.
fathers, husbands were meant for more.
meant to love always.
not to abandon.
you lost one so you give up the rest.
he still loved you after every time you left.
he still loves you now.
when you walked away, you left more than just him,
more than just them..

your the cause

Its not the outside screaming at me
selfishness, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE
stop contributing
this isn't the part i want
stop changing my mind and ripping at my heart
it can't take it, i can't take it
YOUR NOT WELCOME HERE
you put the questions in my mind
you put the questions in my heart
you make me question my father
you were once all i knew
but now your ripping me apart
your the cause
i can't run away from you
my feet can't seperate myself from you
YOUR NOT WELCOME HERE
you sneak in my thoughts
i am constantly wrestling with you
your always here
when my eyes are closed
when i'm all alone

my feet can't seperate from you
you live inside
my flesh, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE

I would rather be ripped in half than live with you.

country road

sitting waiting for the sunrise.
surrounded by close friends.
no idea of the road we were on.
laying in the middle of the road.
horses beind us.
nothing but grass in front.
peace.
stillness.
the world seemed to be at a pause.
my heart found rest for a few hours.
staring up at the sky.
glory, Your glorious.

talking, praying.
friendship.
this is what it should look like.
I am blessed.